Funny Quotes and Sayings

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
Lord Byron

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain


Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

It a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Sommerset Morgan

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

If you can’t live without me, Why aren’t you dead yet?

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
Anonymous

I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
J.B. Morton

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. Anonymous

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.
Henry David Thoreau

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
Eddie Murphy, Shrek

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I found a great way to attract money... work!
Curtis D. Tucker

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.
Holmes

If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I stuck with the pits?

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

I am in my own little world but it's okay they know me here.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Finally things will start clicking…your elbow, knees and back!

Where there are no swamps there are no frogs.
German Proverb

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.
Unknown

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Doug Larson

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.
Bob Hope

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
Benjamin Franklin

I don't want to quit drinking because, as they say, winners never quit and quitters never win.
Unknown

Life is so unlike theory.
Unknown

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
Miguel De Cervantes

As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
William Shakespeare

Life is a terminal desiese for which there is no vaccination.
Anonymous

Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.
Unknown

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Unknown

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.
Robert Frost

It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Bruce

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson