The Guilt of Hurting Him Over and Over!

He courted me back in high school for over 2 years. Speaking of persistence and patience, this guy has it. He is the perfect example of a person who waits for the sake of what he believed back then as “Love”. He said his “I love You” to me, sent me love letters almost every week, sent me cards, bought me gifts, sent me flowers, etc . He was just sweet. Wherever I was, you will see him. He’d write my notes for me. He’d fetch me in the house after lunch for school and would accompany me back home after school. He was like a shadow. You’d see him if you’d see me.

I was really straightforward with him as well as with my other suitors. I told him I wasn’t ready for love and that I only see him as a friend. Way back then, I never fully understand what love was. All I knew was that I was too young for it. Being the youngest girl in the family, the Class President, and the top contender for the Honours, all eyes were on me. I knew I wasn’t ready and I’ve not yet felt what Juliet might have felt for Romeo. Definitely he wasn’t my Romeo and neither was I his Juliet. But he had the patience, which I may guess had evolved into faith with serene hope that he shall achieve what his heart strived for. He said he was willing to wait until I am ready. But I wasn’t ready for him. He finally gave up after over 2 years of daily courtship. Yes daily! He’d miss boys’ gatherings and barkada gimmicks all because of me. So he gave up accepting rejection. I feel sorry for him. He wasted those two years for someone who didn’t love him back. But I didn’t want to fake my feelings for him out of pity.

Then he found a girlfriend, but not without asking permission from me and consulting me for approval. I felt happy for him for finally he had learned to live his life without me, start anew love story, but this time a happy one. Then our friendship was shattered. He got mad at me and hated me. I couldn’t go into the details why, let’s just leave that part private. So, we parted ways after our graduation with so much bitterness in our hearts. He hated me but I hated him more!

There was no communication between us until I finished college.

Time must have healed the wounds in our hearts for we were able to talk and laugh in our first ever reunion. We recounted the bad times and learnt to forgive and forget. But that get together must have rekindled the forgotten feelings he’s got for me. He started to show interest once more and expressed his desires to start from scratch and woo me again. I didn’t take it seriously yet remained truthful in telling him, we couldn’t be more than friends. I hurt him again!

We exchanged numbers, texted, talked on the phone and remained friends. Then our communication died. Years passed again then we were able to reconnect. Now he remains persistent in his feelings for me. He starts to court me again. A cycle that has its roots back in high school. He keeps calling me, morning, noon, night. I always tell him he’s got not a chance. Every call he makes to express his love for me, he gets my blatant “rejection”. But he is one hard headed stubborn wanting to be my “ROMEO”. His persistence is overwhelming. But it’s not enough to win me! He called the other day asking me to be his date for Valentines Day. He was willing to fly from Manila to where I am just to be with me on that special day. But I told him, I have another date with someone. I knew how it crashed his heart upon hearing it. I hurt him again! Another rejection... which he again accepted. Then he texted me saying “gudnyt t_ _, I love you always. Sori..”

The guilt of hurting this guy hasn’t set in until today as am writing this. Guilt .. because his only mistake was to love me... I feel sorry for him. I truly am..